1. This has possibly been the worst year of my life so far. Maybe not, but as I thought about it, that's one of the things that came to mind. I have always been a melancholy type, but this year, I have been more acutely depressed and have felt probably more useless and worthless than at any other time in my life. This period, in general, has been in force for more than 2 years now, but it's hit a bit of a peak this year I think. I can still be nice and polite to people. I can basically function. But almost any time I settle into a lull, into "pause," my mind/emotions spiral downward. Not really a choice one would make. So far, I have opted away from therapy and medication. That might not last much longer. We'll see.
   
   
2. I have fished less this year than in any other year of my life thus far. Horrible. Pitiful. Just a terrible thing. This is likely a symptom of no. 1 up there. When someone like me doesn't even feel motivated to freakin' go fishing - something's wrong kids. Lately I have been very motivated to tie flies (gettin' ready to tie some right now as a matter of fact) - and I would hope this would be a positive precursor to fishing more in the new year. Again, we shall see.
   
   
3. I believe at this point in my life, I feel more alone and isolated and friendless than at any other time. I said "I feel" - friends of mine, please don't take offense to this. This is honestly what's going on inside me right now. I feel set adrift. I feel Psalm 88... "You have taken my friends away from me; you have made me an abomination to them; I am imprisoned, and I cannot escape. ...Companion and neighbor you have taken away from me; my only friend is darkness." That's some craziness, I can tell you that. It's a very, very odd thing. I certainly hope this period doesn't last a long, long time.
   
   
4. The job of being parent to my children is more difficult and taxing on my inner person than it has ever been. I've often said to Liz that I think I was much better at being a parent to small children... before they can talk back. I have little tolerance for even what many might call "normal" teenage "attitude." It lays a black cloud over my soul. It drains my strength away. It's hard for me to explain what it does to me. I try to deal with it, but it's very difficult for me right now. It's not funny to me at all - "hee heee, aaah teenagers, you know how teenagers are" - Well, I understand the process - went through it once, but seriously people. Of course, I want to make clear that I realize that I'm not dealing with real big problem kids here. I have good kids - I know that. Somehow, though, inside my own context, that doesn't help me much. God alone can help me - I'm pretty sure about that.
   
   
5. Work: I realize that I have never really gotten over being fired 2 years ago. It really did a number on me. Not having been able to find a job in my field again hasn't helped much with feelings of being thrown away. The freelance Graphic Design world is rough. I've gotten a few good jobs, which I appreciate, but it's not enough. I have slowly but surely come to the realization that I have to get some other kind of job. Yeah, yeah, I know I should've done it a long time ago. There was some kind of mental block about it that I can't fully grasp. It's somehow wound up with identity and worth and shame. It's time to move into territory I'm neither comfortable, nor totally ready for.
   
   
6. I have discovered that having pets, for me, simply isn't worth all you have to put into it. We have three (a dog and 2 cats) and on a very, very good day, that's 2 too many for me. Most regular days, I'd go for 3 too many - that equals none. I have not had the experience of animals as pets enhancing my life in a positive way like many have. I feel imprisoned by them. I feel emotionally blackmailed by them. My own human life feels too much for me to handle most of the time, with my own human family. All that other is just outside my box.
   

Labels: personal, random thoughts

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