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Alan Creech
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aaron klinefelter
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September 13, 2008
> 12:19 PM
lament Stream of consciousness. I don't really know what to write or to say. I know I want to write something so I'm writing. I said this morning that I don't even think happiness is a realistic desire any more. I really don't. It's so far beyond my perceptive grasp, I have to think that. I don't know what that means but there it is. I wish I could ramble off the kind of spiritual thoughts that I used to. I used to think I was gifted as a teacher, someone whom the Holy Spirit had given the ability to understand and communicate spiritual truths. I wonder if I have squandered that away. It lies fallow. The ground at least looks barren now. Freedom - what is that? I don't feel free. Are we supposed to feel free? What's feeling got to do with anything anyway? More questions than answers. I hurt all the time, my physical body. Yeah, I know, get up off your ass and move and you won't hurt so much. Knowing and doing are on different planes of reality fellers. I have no motivation to do anything. I'm not even motivated to do the things I love, or once loved. I tell myself to go fishing. Others tell me to go. I don't feel free to go. I don't have the energy to go. I feel guilty when I go. My mind is a jumble most of the time. Peace is rare. Anger is often, far too often. Frustration is a low, rumbling constant. There is a desire to be seen and recognized. I don't even know if that's right. I feel like nobody, nothing. I can't get away from the feeling that once I was somebody and now I'm nobody. I have nothing to sufficiently tell me otherwise. This is what the Internet Monk calls a Lament I suppose. Lament I reckon. I told Liz not long ago that I'm always doing bad. Even if I'm joking and am able to be funny and laugh, underneath it's not good. There is a darkness that lies under the surface all the time. It never totally goes away. I feel it more acutely some times and less at others. It's still there. I don't know fully what to do with it. I only know part of where such a thing comes from. I mostly know it's there. There's no switch that I know of that turns it off. I wish I could just roll with life and be happy-go-lucky. That's so foreign to me, I might as well be talking about alien beings. Why do you share such inward things on a blog? I don't know, maybe it's cathartic for me or something. This blog has always been a bit on the personal side. I'm no pundit. I write about what I think and sometimes how I feel and about what's going on in my life. Well, right now this is it. Maybe this will help flush my system out - one can only hope. My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? All around me is the pit, the mirey clay, I have nowhere to go. I can only look up and even there clouds cover the sun. I know You are there, but my eyes are dark. Labels: personal 0 Comments:| permalink | e-mail me | 
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