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November 05, 2007
> 10:03 AM
is it too much to ask? Maybe it is, I know know. I'm beginning to wonder. I'm beginning to wonder about my own sanity. It seems I have two choices in making sense of all the seeming craziness that's going on right now in our life: 1) We're under an all-out spiritual attack. 2) God is whittling me down, trying to "make me little." In my experience, these two things feel very similar sometimes. And when you're in the middle of either, it's a bit hard to discern. Your eyes are red and your head throbbing. Your heart is aching and you feel barely able to think about such things. I'm a smart person, smart enough to know that I'm pretty smart, smart enough to have to watch out how smart I know that I am. But smart only goes so far when you're in a vice. Here's a frightening thought as well: It's both. God is always, always working on us, to transform us, to fully "save" us, to recreate us in His Own Image. We only notice it here and there. His "work" never ceases. He doesn't ever pull back and stop moving on and in us. And there are times when that working feels like utter destruction. It feels like breaking and not building. It feels like tearing apart, not putting together. Sometimes He knows, the one is a prerequisite for the other. I know these things. I've experienced this kind of transformational growth and molding. I've counseled and spiritually directed people through these things. But you never stop going through it yourself and you can only direct yourself to a certain extent. I do have a spiritual director and I do talk to him about these things. I only see him once a month, though, so in between those times, I'm out at sea in bad weather. I am also familiar with the enemy and the reality of spiritual warfare and demonic activity. I've been up close and personal with that mess. It's nothing to be sneezed at. Compared with the power of the Lord into Whom we are grafted, the "power" of these entities are next to nothing. Here's the problem though. We can, I can, know this but still not be tapping into the Power of Jesus as much as I could - and the power of spiritual evil in comparison to my own personal power, is a "big man" indeed. I cannot pretend that I am able to go up against that on my own. I don't doubt that some of that is going on - it is going on with all of us if we are moving in God's direction, trying to listen to Him and follow Him. There are traps set all over these roads. So, the original question was: Is it too much to ask? ...that people could be caring, pastoral, welcoming and open-hearted to my family as we go through this somewhat awkward process of entry into the Catholic Church? I'm not saying no one has been nice or that no one has shown us any openness. That's not the case. But seriously people, I'm not coming into this thing looking to be an ass about things or to get angry at everything and everyone, honestly I'm not. I haven't. But I can tell you about some extremely awkward, very un-pastoral, very next to rude things that have been said to us and which are presently in play. It makes me ask, knowing that it's a very skewed question, am I being punished somehow for having left the Church to begin with? (clarifying update: I mean by people, not by God) Am I being considered automatically ignorant? As I said in so many words, I'm very willing to look and see where I am being goofy here. I have and am doing that. But nobody else is doing this - it doesn't seem like. And that, sports fans, is hard to deal with. I'm being very open about this business on this blog. I know that's downright weird to some of you. Oh well. This is all I have to say at the moment. I'm not writing this in the middle of my worst emotion, in tears. I'm writing this post that, having thought a bit. I made a decision to share this here, NOT in order to give anyone a reason to dislike or pile on the Catholic Church or Catholicism in general, NOT to attract any more rudeness or uncaring remarks than I've already experienced, and NOT just to be a big baby whiner. This is my real life experience, and I have a suspicion that I'm probably not alone in this, and I think it's a good thing to have whole, real stories out here in this realm for people to see. Anyway, I pray that you have more Peace than I have right now. technorati tags > catholic church, reversion, church burnout, spiritual growth, spiritual warfare Labels: catholic, church, personal, reversion 0 Comments:| permalink | e-mail me | 
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