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August 10, 2007
> 8:51 PM
chest pains No, not that kind. I pray that never happens to me. My good friend Bryan Sherwood tells us about his Dad having some of those this morning, asking for our prayers. He also talks about being in a low place and an infamous Psalm that speaks about this kind of feeling. I've read that Psalm many times. I've prayed it from low places before. To see that in the Scriptures can be a bit comforting, in a strange way - that end part I mean, "...my only friend is darkness." It's the only Psalm that ends in such a way. There are a lot of dark Psalms but usually they end on an up note. This one, not so much. He's still lying in the dirt in tears. The last few days have been hard for me. Liz mentions some of what she's going through as well. I don't think either one of us ever expected to quite be hit so hard about one of our children growing up and leaving the nest. I certainly did not. And it has come on suddenly, like the chest pains that accompany a heart attack. Wham! And it's not like anything is wrong going on here. Katey is a pretty mature kid. She's smart and she'll do well. But people, my heart aches. I'm serious. I'm not joking around here. It's bad. I'm sure we'll be fine but it's going to take a little while to get used to this business. On another note, the on-going road into the Catholic Church is proving to be, for me, much more painful than I had ever anticipated. I don't mean to say that I have been attacked by ravenously Catholic hating relatives or those who have cut me off from friendship. None of that. Thank you Father! That happens to people who are doing what I'm doing by the way, just in case you didn't know that shit still happens. It does. Ugly stuff. What I mean is that inside my own self, I think I had not considered having any doubts during the process or of running into anything that would discourage me at all during along the road. What was I thinking!? I would have counseled anyone about all of this. Goofy. I don't know what I expected but, well, I don't know what I expected. I have had very good experiences thus far in this process, don't get me wrong. But somehow, there seems to be a distinct lack of what I'll characterize as a feeling of "welcome" for me. That may be all subjective. It would be hard for me to figure that out right now. Why am I sharing this kind of thing here? I'm asking myself right now, but I think I'm open like that. And I think maybe it's good for people who may be feeling or going through the same kind of things, to see someone process about it as it's happening. And this is what's happening. Hey, I'm here, I'm "in," and I think, if I stand back a minute, that that's a good thing, a right thing. But there are always parts of everything that aren't what we think they will be and certainly those that don't feel like we think they would. I mean, how do the last 18 years factor into things here? What was all that? Nobody has said this to me, just so you know, but I'm thinking, "is somebody going to try to tell me that all that was nothing? booooy I hope not." I certainly hope not. I'm probably allowing myself to be worked up about something that isn't even real right now. How's that for self-analysis? These things are all big, big changes and they are starting to affect me. I mean, I'm starting to feel it and it sort of hurts. I know that. And it's all happening at once. I think maybe I need to slow down. At once that seems like a good idea and then I think if things move any slower in some ways, I don't think I can handle it. I just need to keep on walking, steadily forward and not try to run. I think that's what I mean. So, all that. I'd appreciate your prayers as well. Pax vobiscum. technorati tags > parents and children, growing up, family, catholic church, catholic reversion, depression, change Labels: catholic, church, family, kids, personal, reversion 0 Comments:| permalink | e-mail me | 
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