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go here to buy my stock photography Alan Creech
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aaron klinefelter
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 That can be a big question in certain circumstances. I have come face to face with that in the last several months. Really, for me, in the last year this question has been creeping closer and closer to the surface of my heart and mind - very acutely in the last 6 months. Let me cut to the chase here - the question for me went from a vague and general "why?" to the more specific and challenging question......why not return to the Catholic Church? Recently (in the last month or so) my ability to answer that question in a way that kept me from crossing back over that famous river diminished into insignificance. Another way to say it is, I find myself crawling out on the shore on the other side of the Tiber. I couldn't answer the question, to my own satisfaction, with integrity, any more. -- Why not? -- I don't know, there's no reason for me any more that's worth staying where I'm at. I bow my head. This may not come as any big surprise to many of you. Most of my good friends already know about this and have been incredibly positive and supportive to me and my family. Yes, my family - they're coming along for the ride. They've all been wet with the waters of Catholicism for years anyway. This becomes, then, a formalization of what I've taught them as a "priest" in my domestic church. Positive reactions there too - no, really. I very much appreciate those of you who have written e-mails of your support and continued love of me and my family in this situation. It really does mean a great deal. You see, I'm a paranoid sort. My particular malady I like to call relational paranoia. It has both a good and a bad ground of origin: The good = loving people and not wanting to hurt them, actually caring what they think. The bad = Caring a liiiiittle too much what people think about me and my decisions and actions such that it paralyzes me sometimes. I anticipate negative responses (sometimes accurately mind you) to things, which are not necessarily based in total reality. So, I hesitate too much at times. I use hesitating language when talking about things so as not to "freak people out." I need to get healthier in that area and stop that (hence, here's me posting this bit of info on this blog for all to see - holy crap!). All the people I may have been worried about in their reactions to this move, I have already told and everyone has responded in a very positive way. The biggies, in the scheme of things, were my immediate family and my faith community family, vine & branches. Others too but not as much. Liz knows me, I mean she really knows me. We know each other. We talk about EVERYthing. We share what's going on in our hearts and minds with each other. This is what you do with a spouse right? Not getting on that topic but I'm just sayin' - come on. I told her yesterday I think, "you'll be married to a Catholic again soon." Her reply, "I've always been married to a Catholic." Well, in a way, yes. If I ever totally got out of the river on the other side, I don't think I ever really quite dried off. Mostly I've been swimming around in there, back and forth. One good thing about that was the ability to talk about both sides in a way not too many people can. That's valuable to me. So, Liz is fine. We've been talking, working things out, and she's good with going in as a family. I'm not letting her ignore the theological bits, don't worry. Like I said, we're working this out, and it's a process that's still going on - not the decision, but the actualizing of that decision. The kids have all been fine. We've taken time to talk to them, encourage them to ask questions, and talk to them some more. We've gone to Mass at a local parish as a family a couple of times now, so far, to get them used to something a bit different. Surprisingly, though, or not, the actual worship is not too much different than what we've been doing in our home for the last several years. And what I've taught them, they won't have a problem. They'll be fine. When Liz finally made me tell the vine & branches people about the possibility (yes, she did), when it was still in the realm of "possibly," I was afraid. I didn't want to disappoint them. I was telling them that their community, their church, was going to possibly cease to be, as such. I was telling them that I wasn't "officially" going to be "their pastor" any more. I was telling them a lot of things, implicitly, that were not comfortable for me to say. The reactions were certainly not something I wanted to dwell on too much but I did - way too much, for months, and it nearly drove me nuts. I was very very stressed and anxious about all this and it was affecting me and my family, and vbcc. Not good. So we talked to them, asked them to pray with/for us. Of course, it was a very good thing. And later, recently, when the word came down - "Go" - the reactions were just as, if not more, positive. They saw it. They see that it's a good thing and we know that we will continue to be a community of people helping each other along the journey, but not as "a church," properly speaking. And that is fine. It may, in fact, as we talked about it, free some things up. We have become "a monastery in waiting," as it were (thanks Kyle) - those rural monastic plans are still ON, only slightly varied. We will now be meeting only once a month for a potluck meal, hanging out, and to pray the evening prayer from the Liturgy of the Hours. Our relationships will be maintained. What else? Good stuff. Let me say this: I feel as if 1,000 pounds has been lifted from my shoulders. Peace. That struggle is done. Of course the journey continues and there will be other struggles, but that's fine. It's always like that. I won't go into all kinds of reasons why this is happening, theological and otherwise, right now. That's not what this post is for. That will come, as a matter of course I'm sure. Logical conclusions I suppose. Those who know me have heard that phrase before a few times. And, it's more than rational, and that's hard to explain. I suppose I could also say, I have emerged. That'll do for now. Blogging will continue as scheduled, probably more frequent now that I can talk openly about what I'm constantly thinking about. That's mostly what was up with that very sporadic stage of posts recently. All are welcome. You won't have to pledge an oath to the Blessed Mother to read the blog now, I promise. Looking forward to another very cool stage of this faith/life journey thing. Peace to all in this house. ...his heart beating hard, filled with fear and trembling, he asked for Grace and clicked the button... technorati tags > roman catholic church, catholic church, catholic reversion, catholic conversion, catholicism, emerging church, alan creech, vine & branches christian community, swimming the tiber, crossing the tiber Labels: catholic, church, emerging church, personal, reversion, spiritual formation ::: ::: permalink ::: e-mail me :::
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three quotes |:: "Then, if we cannot as yet think alike in all things, at least we may love alike. Herein we cannot possibly do amiss." "Keep your eyes on the crucifix, for Jesus without the cross
is a man without a mission, and the cross without Jesus
is a burden without a reliever." "...I am deeply convinced that the Christian leader of the future is called to be
completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self."
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