July 20, 2005> 12:15 PM
darkness
Starting to write something. Not sure what. Troubled. Sort of sad. I can tend to be a very melancholy person. Moody sometimes. Over the years, fortunately, my brain chemistry or however it works has stabilized. In other words, I used to be a roller coaster of an emotional mess. I'm not so much like that now. I guess I'm mostly pretty stable and "regular." There are times, though, that I slip into the darkness. My makeup is such that I "feel" things very hard - perhaps things that don't even need feeling that much. I think being this way a little bit is fine. I mean it could basically be called "being compassionate" or something. Many of the ways we are can be said to be good parts of the original makeup - but then, we're twisted and deformed aren't we? Yes, we are. That doesn't mean we were created to be that way or that the quilt made by a big ole mess of twisted fabric will all end up looking beautiful when combined. No, it does not. It might look interesting, for sure, and to some even good, but it's not only the outside that matters, it's the inside of the fabric itself. It's rotten, so that won't work. I think, in case you haven't noticed, that I'm just rambling. So, then, of course we're not all the same - because we are many and not one person - that's why. That says nothing about "every way being a good way." We can be transformed into what and who we were created to be, still be different, and also no fall back on the "that's just the way I am" argument. We can be remade, be untwisted, reconstituted, strengthened and whatever else you want to say. So, I feel things harder. Maybe that's better than not feeling them. Maybe it's worse. What I don't think is that it's neutral. It just is - "I am the way I am." Well, that is certainly true, but is "how you are" the way you are supposed to be? There we go - some may be, and surely some is not. What are we doing here? Jumping into the mix with our whole selves, trying to discern the some that is from the some that isn't. We'll want to keep the IS part and open ourselves to be reeducated on the IS NOT part - and not just knowledge, but substantive internal change. I don't know - that's part of my point I guess. I get like this sometimes.
July 20, 2005
> 12:15 PM
038
